Dear Mr. Phillips,

I am the eldest son of Larry and Norma Sides, and as such have been acquainted with your ministry for some time.  Generally your words and efforts have been among the most encouraging, inspiring, and convicting that I encounter in the modern Christian culture.  For that, I offer my deepest (and much overdue) thanks.

However, I am now provoked to write in response to recent blog posts that exhibited less than your usual grace and charity.  In fact, these posts were filled with invective worse than, well, llama spit.  Herein follows a short defense of the beast with which you have had a rather unfortunate encounter.

I first started working with llamas when I was ten years old, and my family now owns a herd in excess of thirty, well-mannered and well-adjusted llamas.  You see, our llamas were home-schooled.  Llamas are generally peaceable, calm, even stoic creatures (we would not own thrity of them if they were normally as you describe).  They have personalities similar to cats: somewhat aloof and standoffish at times, but incredibly affectionate once they take a shine to you.  In the fourteen years that I have worked with these wonderful creatures, I have trained them, shown them across the Mid-Atlantic, shorn them, bred them, birthed them, trimmed hooves, generally poked and prodded them in numerous impolite ways, and even kissed dozens of them.  On but one hand I can count the number of times that my llamas have deliberately expelled their expectorate upon me, and all such events surround the occasion of giving shots, perhaps a reasonable excuse.  But, as I said, our llamas were home-schooled as all llamas should be: in a herd environment where they learn manners from the older llamas.

If I may hazard a guess, the wicked creature that assaulted you was a resident of a zoo or petting farm of some sort.  At the very least, this creature was probably reared on such a local, perhaps even bottle raised.  This is the farmer’s equivalent of kindergarten in a Government School.  Such creatures lack the necessary discipline to learn how to behave in polite company. 

Unfortunately, the llamas receive the most visibility are llamas of this type.  Llamas raised on private farms and ranches are nearly always docile and well-mannered towards humans, though they have no great fondness for coyotes.  In the past fourteen years I have had the opportunity to teach many children how to train and handle llamas, and such experiences are generally positive for all parties involved.  In fact, at age eight, my youngest brother was showing our senior breeding male at county fairs in Virginia and Maryland—a similar feat with any other large livestock would be impossible.

So, we do apologize for the bad apple that you met, but he represents the smallest of minorities and should not be taken as a standard member of the species.  We request that you reconsider your disposition towards these fabulous creatures. You have a standing invitation to visit Cornerstone Farm should you ever be passing through Madison County, Virginia.

Cordially,
Jonathan Sides